Tales From The Hogback #4, "THE STOPPER"

THE STOPPER

     The ruckus was just awful at the meetinghouse up on Hog Back Ridge. An outsider, listening in, might have thought that some strange form of Pentecostalism was the explanation for the racket coming from the church, but Parson Smedley knew better, or worse, I should say.  Earnest Ledbetter's hog had gotten under the church again.

     "I might as well quit right now." fumed Smedley, trying to remain calm on the outside. "That racket'll keep up 'til Rattler gits the ole biddy to leave."

    No one knew just exactly why A. J. Campbell's hound, Rattler, thought it was his duty to keep all hogs out from under the meeting house, but it was a task that he faithfully executed, meeting time or not.

     "I sure wish that hound would have waited a few minutes to evict the ole gal."  Smedley thought as he continued to hold forth. "I only wish A. J. was as concerned about the Lord's house as that dog a his."

     Smedley, resourceful preacher that he was, rose--quite literally--to the occasion. He yelled louder than hog and dog and thus finished his message on the text, "Be still and know that I am God."

_____

     At dinner that day, Flora Jean noticed that Smedley poked and chewed his pork chops with particular vigor and relish. Knowing the wisdom of silence at such times she quietly passed potatoes, biscuits and pork, which as the closest relative of that morning's offender, Smedley attacked in such a way that it was clear that his goal was not merely nourishment, but vengeance.

     While the parson was thus venting his emotion on the forth pork chop, the Mrs. let the young Smedley's know that it was a good time for them to "see to that dog that you aggravated us to let you have."  Jim Bob, the eldest, started to object, but Flora Jean gave him an "If-you-open-your-mouth-you-won't-sit-down-for-a-week" look, so he decided that Queenie might indeed need some attention. It was the last of the pork chops and with nothing else to chew on Flora Jean feared for the welfare of the nearest representative of the Canine tribe.

     "That Ole sow's been to church mor'n most a m' members lately." Smedley croaked hoarsely as he wiped the gravy from his chin. "Cain't blame 'r though.  Ain't no shade over t' Ledbetter's place.  It's cool under the meetin' house.  Ledbetter's fence falls down every time the wind blows. Ole Rattler, he thinks he's a doin' his duty tryin' to run'r outa there." All this was delivered as if the parson were speaking to someone perched in the corner where two walls meet the ceiling.  "Musta been twenty five folks said to me, "Preacher, somethin's got to be done 'bout this!" Ole Abner, though, thought it was just great. Said, "Best I heard the choir do in many a year!""

     "But the choir..." Mrs. Smedley interrupted.

     "I know" Smedley responded, but I didn't have the heart to tell him. The Old man's nearly deaf and blind 'n' if he got a blessin' outa that hog 'n' dog ruckus why should I spoil it by tellin' him we ain't had a choir fer three months." 

     "Well, something has to be done," intoned the preacher's wife in that crisp staccato usually reserved for unruly children. "That hole in the cellar HAS to be patched."

_______

    "The Hole" had plagued Smedley ever since the Rock Bottom Mining Company had been blasting in old number three, and the tremors had loosened the church's foundation stones. After the spring thaw it was clear that a three-foot section would have to be replaced. The Hog Back Ridge Meeting House Maintenance Committee got right on it. They were unloading wheelbarrows and mortar--Zeke Hawkins, the best stonemason on the ridge had showed up to help--when Oliver Bellam came up.

     "You don't mean to tell me you’re a goin' t' let these scoundrels get away with this travesty?" The five men stared at one another, knowing neither the identity of the "scoundrels" nor the meaning of "travesty." "It's a conspiracy I tell ya'," Oliver plowed on, using his eighth grade education to its fullest. "A diabolical conspiracy against the workin' man. The rascals over at Rock Bottom are tryin' to break our spirit by bombin' our meetin' house."

     Jed was about to point out that Homer Windholm, the founder of Rock Bottom, had given the land the meetin' house was built on and "$200 ta boot," but he didn't want to argue with "no educated man," so, like the rest of the fellows, he just kept quiet. No one even pointed out that Oliver hadn't been to services at the meeting house since "who knew when." He sounded so high and mighty. What could they do but quit?

_____

     The next week at the Hog Back Ridge Meeting House Official Board meeting, after listening to Oliver for some thirty minutes, Chairman Hiram Smith spoke:

     "Well, now, it does appear that Ollie's got a point here." The group chuckled to see Oliver's face turn so red that the freckles got lost in the camouflage.  "Ollie" was beneath the dignity of a man of Oliver Bellam's station, even when the name was used by Hiram, who happened to be Oliver's grandpa. "I think," the chairman continued, "we ought to write Rock Bottom a letter 'n' let 'em know how their blasted blasting busted our foundation."

     It was the next Sunday that round one between hog and dog took place.  Smedley took heart, though, when Opal McCatchen told him she was "writin' the letter this very week." Opal came down with the flu, but Ernestine Snodgrass was to type a letter down at the insurance office. This prospect pleased Smedley since he figured a type written letter would surely get some action. "Besides," He said, "God's work ought to be done first class."  Ernestine, "never did see the like of paper work," and promised, "to get at it directly," but never did. 

     It was about that time that round two took place. That was the one where the sow nearly got her ear chewed off.  When Smedley made a personal appeal to the Hog Back Ridge Meeting House Maintenance Committee, at the next monthly meeting, Hiram assured the distraught preacher that he would deal with it personally. He was going to the general store the next morning and call young Windholm, the new company president, on the telephone. 

    The phone was out of order, or maybe Hiram just didn't know how to "run the blame thing," and everybody knew he was just too stubborn to ask for help.  Anyway--may he rest in peace--Hiram went to his reward that Thursday. There was a good showing at the old saint’s funeral.  The family was "'specially thankful," that neither Rattler nor the Ledbetter's hog chose to pay their respects.

     In fact the weather turned cool and then cold and the hog had no need of shade under the Meeting House. Rattler spent his days lolling around the barn worn out from late-night coon hunts.  Except when reminded by an occasional blast of cold air that found its way through the floorboards when the wind was out of the North, everyone pretty well forgot about the hole.

_____

     About May, though, the folk were reminded. This time it was a sense other than hearing that was offended. Seems that Queenie, the feisty little cur that belonged to the Smedley brood, had penned up a skunk under the church. George Smedley proudly observed that the little dog, "Got the best a' that polecat." The congregation generally agreed with the Parson. "She got the worst a that fight, n' there was plenty left over fer us."  Even with the windows open it was "a mite close," for several weeks.

     After a particularly fragrant Sunday Smedley decided it was time to take the "bull by the horns, or the hog by the tail, or the dog by the ear, or . . .” Smedley was at a loss as to just where one grabs a skunk. "Anyhow, I'll just stop by n' speak to Mr. Windholm myself." And he did.

_____

     "Would $100 cover it Reverend Smedley?"

     Smedley was so struck that he could barely stammer, "Well yes, thank you very much, Mr. Windholm."

     "Let me offer my apologies for the inconvenience this has caused to your congregation." Windholm continued. "My family has supported the Meeting House for years. Let me know when the repairs are done. I'd like to stop by the next Sunday and let your fine congregation know how much I appreciate their good influence in this region."

     Windholm had been writing in his checkbook as he spoke. Smedley received the check with a hearty handshake and with a silent, "Thank you Lord." made his way out.

_____

     Smedley mused on his meeting with Windholm as he thoughtfully picked a bit of pork from his teeth, "Windholm will be too old to hobble to the Meetin' House by the time that hole gets fixed."

     The problem was the Hog back Ridge meeting House Maintenance Committee hadn't had a windfall like that since Cyrus Jones got saved back in 1906 and gave all his whiskey money to the Lord.

     "You know, I hear tell that lots ‘a folk is havin' their places termitted these days. Afore we shut up that hole we oughta get this place debugged. Lord knows what them hogs has carried in." The motion was seconded and carried and Latham O'Toole, Lulu's first cousin was hired to do the job, "cuz he'll give us a good price."

     "If'n there hada been any termites," Smedley commented to Flora Jean--who nodded and said, "Uhuh." even though she had no idea what her husband was talking about--"they'd a eaten the place, pulpit 'n' all by the time he finally got the job done."

     "It's a good thing we hired Latham," announced Wilmont Moore at the umpteenth meeting of the Hog Back Meeting House Maintenance Committee. "Not only did he do a bang up job exterminatin' them bugs, but he saved our Meetin' House from sure collapse."

     Smedley was of the opinion that the faulty beam, Wilmont had discovered, had been leaning for fifty years and would probably remain unmoved for another hundred. But, he couldn't come up with a good argument to resist the committee's conclusion: "It oughta be fixed while that hole's open." so he just kept quiet.

     Bob Carter had a railroad jack that would do the job, but it was "holdin' up the south end a' the barn." He assured the committee that he'd have a new locust pole cut, "soon as that no-account-brother-in-law a' mine brings back my crosscut saw."  Then I'll bring that jack right over."

     Smedley remembered that was the summer Ledbetter's sow raised a litter of sanctified pigs. Rumor had it that, "Preacher Smedley's preachin' made them hogs as tough as leather."

_____

     "Where are you going?" Flora Jean asked, as her husband rose up from his thoughts, or pork induced stupor--she wasn't sure which.  "Out," he answered. Not communicating any meanness but letting his wife know he didn't want to talk about it.   His question, yelled to his son Jim Bob, as he stepped into the yard, didn't explain anything to the puzzled woman.  "Why," she wondered, "is he asking Jim Bob about that old “STOP” sign that her nephew had brought up from the flat-lands last winter?"

     After Jim Bob appeared from behind the chicken house with the sign, Smedley returned to the kitchen and gathered up all the kitchen scraps--"fer bait," he said.  With a bucket of slop in one hand, a claw hammer in the other, followed by a boy with a stop sign, and watched by a wondering wife, the parson left through the front gate. Queenie, who had joined the strange procession, had to run to keep up with the parson's determined stride.

     She tried, but Flora Jean just couldn't get interested in cleaning up the kitchen. She picked up her embroidery, but dropped it on the porch swing as she headed off in the direction her husband and son had taken a few minutes before. 

     Hidden by a thicket of pines, she looked down the hill at the back of the Meeting House. At first it was all she could do to keep from laughing, but she had to admit, "It will keep the hogs and dogs out."

     The fact is, after Smedley added the word "SINNING" right below the "STOP," folk liked it so well that they decided to donate the rest of the $100 to missions and just leave it that way.

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